News Briefs

Group Project Actually Teaches Something

Three days after turning in her history group project about Susan B. Anthony or Napoleon or something, Sophomore Krystal Choi reported in astonishment that she didn’t completely forget everything about the project.

“This has never happened before,” Choi said. “Usually, I don’t even know what topic I’m supposed to be working on until the last day. Even then, I’d barely retain enough information to last me through presentations.”

AP World History Mr. Silly Goose attributes the success of his project due to the requirement of 50% more glitter than usual and one more irrelevant, “interesting fact” than previous projects.
“Any student can copy and paste from Wikipedia,” Mr. Goose said. “What separates a ‘B’ student from an ‘A’ student is how much color and pizzazz goes along with it.”

Choi reports that when choosing a group, she usually tries to get that one guy who is artistic, that smart, quiet kid that ends up doing all the work and a friend that she can talk to while the group procrastinates at the designated friend’s house. However, another group already made eye contact with the smart kid when Mr. Goose announced the project, which meant that she actually had to do her own work this time.

“Usually, I’m not the person who copies the information from Wikipedia,” Choi said. “But I guess that extra ounce of effort spent paraphrasing helped me learn about—wait, who was I researching again?”

ASB to Take Fun Out of Fun Food Friday

Students were befuddled to to find items such as lettuce, single pieces of peanuts, diet water, canned air and other items below five calories listed on the menu for the upcoming Fun Food Friday on May 1.
ASB enforced stricter restrictions for the Fun Food Friday menu after a student reportedly gained one pound from eating a Subway sandwich at last month’s Fun Food Friday.
“I know they already took all the meat out of that foot long,” Sophomore Rob Stark said. “But if I’m going to buy overpriced food, I expect that food to help me keep my figure.”