Scuffle At Choke Point Injures 17
17 students were sent to the school nurse last Wednesday when two groups of students battled to pass the small brick passage on the north side of the cafeteria.
During the passing period between third and fourth period, two opposite groups of students approached the chokepoint that students have dubbed “the grinder.” Neither backing down, the two groups smooshed together in the small claustrophobic space and close quarter fighting ensued.
“It was like those descriptions of the Siege of Stalingrad,” one senior said. “I remember beating on a freshman with a loose brick as I watched my friends fall around me. All that kept us alive during the fray were Mr. Flavs and the determination to make it to AP Bio.”
Experts from Hallway Violence International attribute the bloodshed to the desperation of students to make it to class on time.
“If the 500-400 students didn’t get through fast, I knew my ROP Poetry teacher would wreck me,” one visibly bruised sophomore said. “I ended up with a truancy after someone KO’d me with a textbook.”
Administrators are considering raising school funds by betting on the outcomes of future fights.
Temple City Trash Talk Team Sweeps C.I.F.
Temple City’s newly formed athletic trash talk team proved a strong threat to rivals San Marino and Monrovia this season, coming up first-time champions in the Rio Hondo League and sweeping their C.I.F. division.
Despite a severe disadvantage in material to talk trash with, the Temple City team took early leads during the regular season against league rivals. After finding preparations on a San Marino Facebook homecoming page, the Rams launched an assault made up of subtweeting, angry caps, extremely wishful thinking and direct meme posts on the offending Facebook page.
“We really came together as a team to wreck San Marino online,” said Junior Krusty Tweets. “We pulled out all of the stops, even posting 9Gag content, which I think is what secured us the win. Trash the Titans!”
C.I.F. referees said that the Temple City trash talkers won through a combination of tenacity and complete incongruity between boasts and results.