TCHS Rampage

Temple City High School



Food

January 17, 2017

Local man eats vermin; reports findings

As I made my daily trip to the Metro Supermarket’s frozen meats section, I discovered something truly disgusting —  so horrid, in fact, that I began to see stars, as if I were peering at Orion’s belt itself, completely losing my desire to even imagine food anymore: their raccoon meat…was completely SOLD OUT.  After a brief hospital visit (during which my raccoonoligist told me that it was a miracle that I pulled through) I decided to fully devote my life to the art of devouring raccoon.
I once again returned to the Metro Supermarket after steeling my resolve to search for the one item, the one object that I have dedicated myself to. As soon as I entered the building I Usain-Bolted toward the frozen meats and indulged in the animalistic instinct to hunt my prey. When I reached the aisle, the butterflies in my heart did backflips. I was so relieved to find my beloved delicacy still available.
I snatched it up gingerly, cradling it as a new mother would cradle her firstborn. Whispering sweet assurances to my bundle of joy, I hurried to the register and purchased it.
“At last! This furry little bandit is finally mine!” I victoriously cried out, along with a mad cackle, a jubilant squeal and a triumphant squack.
Upon my return home I set about fixing my furry supper.  I donned my chef hat and smooched the framed photo of Gordon Ramsay hung above the stove, asking it to bring me luck on this culinary adventure. While I was skinning the beast, I let my raccoon-devouring fantasies run wild, almost resuling in the accidental removal of the raccoon’s tail! That would have been most unfortunate, as it is my favorite part.
I chucked the mask-clad critter in the fryer, my thoughts all in a jumble. It occured to me how close I was to tasting the delicious meal of my dreams. At this point, I was so excited I could barely remember my own name. Fortunately, it was just then that I heard a loud “Ding!” that snapped me back to my senses: my raccoon had finished cooking.
“It matters not who I am,” I thought to myself. “All that matters is this raccoon in my stomach!” I set off, chomping down on the raccoon the way a grizzly bear feasts on its prey, tearing through bones and ligament. It tasted like dried tree bark with a hint of last week’s trash,  but I couldn’t stop helping myself to more and more. In the end, I devoured the whole raccoon. At this point I realized something: the house wasn’t even mine!


About the Author

Nicholas Sulistio





 
 

 
 

Bowling Green

Nowadays, too often does the media blatantly refuse to report on tragedies that occur in America, such as Kellyanne Conway’s Bowling Green Massacre. This horrendous tragedy tore numerous families apart,  making it the only s...
by Bobbins Moose
0

 
 
 

Locker Room Lockup

The girls of the zero period Fitness for Life class were absent for the rest of their classes on Feb. 21. Their substitute failed to open the door to the girls’ locker room all day, and they were unable to change clothes. “...
by Kaiya Pomeroy-Tso
0

 
 
 

X-chromosomes X out election

  As citizens all over the country begin to gently place their ballot into boxes that contain the name of our future president, I am shocked and appalled that nationwide, we as women are still forced to vote. It would be i...
by Mililani Dreibus
0

 

 
 

Putting a stop to GO

Attention all parents of Pokémon GO players: as you already know, this latest fad has taken over your children’s lives. Since the invention of the Internet, you, the parents, have been dutifully saving us, the children, from...
by Timothy Trac
0

 
 
800px-WWI_postcard_trench

Super Real News Briefs – Issue 4

Scuffle At Choke Point Injures 17 17 students were sent to the school nurse last Wednesday when two groups of students battled to pass the small brick passage on the north side of the cafeteria. During the passing period betwee...
by Bobbins Moose
0

 



0 Comments


Be the first to comment!


Leave a Reply