I was always the kid who wore those dorky glasses that turned dark in the sun. I had more books than friends, and I ran a 15 minute mile. Looking back at my middle school self, I cringe at that poor child who stood in the middle of the dodgeball court and got pummeled with foam balls during fifth period P.E.
I didn’t despise myself for the person I was, but I knew I definitely was not satisfied. So that summer before freshman year, I promised myself I would finally emerge out of my cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly. Well, it turns out that I’m much more of a moth—small, drab and mostly nocturnal.
I threw all of my energy into repressing my inner middle schooler. I traded in my glasses for contacts, joined the cross country team and abandoned my books for winged eyeliner and concealer. I’d only occasionally let her out when I needed that extra boost to get through an upcoming assignment or exam. She loved “Great Expectations” and “Crime and Punishment”. The current me wanted to pull a “Magwitch” or “Raskolnikov.”
And then future me kicked in. She whispered to me that my fate was destined for some jank college and living with my parents until I was thirty years old.
It was my fear of her that encouraged me to enroll myself in as many AP classes as my schedule would fit.
Instead of turning up on a Saturday night, I nestled into bed and studied for my next chemistry test.
I sacrificed the present me to appease the voracious appetite of future me and gave up my happiness in the moment for the possibility that I could make up for it later.
This battle between my past, present and future selves always lurked under the surface. And in some ways, these three sides of me will always be struggling to take control. But through this misadventure called high school, I think I’m starting to find the balance between them.
With Rampage, I’ve emulated my favorite writers and found an outlet for self expression.
Miss Temple City provided a support group of some of my best friends amidst the chaos of senior year.
And I fell in love with the way Cross Country tested my limits and forged my will and resolve.
While I am not quite the butterfly I expected to be, I’m glad I turned out the way I did. These past four years undoubtedly changed me, but at the core, I am fundamentally the same. My past defines my identity, my present dictates the kind of person I choose to be, my future is left up to me to determine for myself.
I didn’t despise myself for the person I was, but I knew I definitely was not satisfied. So that summer before freshman year, I promised myself I would finally emerge out of my cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly. Well, it turns out that I’m much more of a moth—small, drab and mostly nocturnal.
I threw all of my energy into repressing my inner middle schooler. I traded in my glasses for contacts, joined the cross country team and abandoned my books for winged eyeliner and concealer. I’d only occasionally let her out when I needed that extra boost to get through an upcoming assignment or exam. She loved “Great Expectations” and “Crime and Punishment”. The current me wanted to pull a “Magwitch” or “Raskolnikov.”
And then future me kicked in. She whispered to me that my fate was destined for some jank college and living with my parents until I was thirty years old.
It was my fear of her that encouraged me to enroll myself in as many AP classes as my schedule would fit.
Instead of turning up on a Saturday night, I nestled into bed and studied for my next chemistry test.
I sacrificed the present me to appease the voracious appetite of future me and gave up my happiness in the moment for the possibility that I could make up for it later.
This battle between my past, present and future selves always lurked under the surface. And in some ways, these three sides of me will always be struggling to take control. But through this misadventure called high school, I think I’m starting to find the balance between them.
With Rampage, I’ve emulated my favorite writers and found an outlet for self expression.
Miss Temple City provided a support group of some of my best friends amidst the chaos of senior year.
And I fell in love with the way Cross Country tested my limits and forged my will and resolve.
While I am not quite the butterfly I expected to be, I’m glad I turned out the way I did. These past four years undoubtedly changed me, but at the core, I am fundamentally the same. My past defines my identity, my present dictates the kind of person I choose to be, my future is left up to me to determine for myself.