We know this is the one. Granted Y2K had us a bit worried and 6/6/06 had us prepping for the end, but this time we know it’s for real. We’ve bided our time and prepared our supplies, waiting for this very month. You know it as the Mayan Apocalypse or the End of Time, but we know it as our rebirth as survivors.
You might be wondering why we are so confident in our survival. Well, we have our entire apocalypse contingency plan laid out in front of us. We’ve done the math and thought of every possible scenario and covered every issue that might arise. Our plan is fool-proof, and we eagerly count down the days until December 21.
This won’t be your typical, run of the mill apocalypse. We’re talking about the whole nine yards. Asteroids, earthquakes, tsunamis, firestorms and of course the walking dead are expected. This will be a world of scorched earth, cratered wastelands and zombies galore. Imagine Roland Emmerich’s movie “2012”, but much more entertaining. Nostradamus’ predictions will look optimistic compared to the destruction we’ve prepared for.
Our plan has been in the works for years. We’ve been stocking up on food and water for the past few months. Needless to say, the lack of Twinkies on the market was a setback, but we were willing to fork over the extra money to buy them on eBay, because where we’re going, we don’t need money.
The post-apocalyptic world wouldn’t be complete without gratuitous armaments, both of the typical and unusual kind. Our arsenal mostly consists of gardening tools. This may seem counter-intuitive, but you’d be surprised at the critical damage a gardening hoe can do to a zombie’s decaying skull. We aren’t fools though, and we’ve made countless trips to Little Tokyo to acquire samurai swords. We are also assuming that the post-apocalyptic setting will give us ample opportunity to scavenge additional weapons.With our provisions set, we are ready for day one.
On the 21st we’ll let everything just blow over while we sit waiting in our impenatrable, Stark Industries-approved, reinforced bunker, but the next day we’re good to go. First order of business is to get ourselves and our supplies to the nearest airport (one of us has an SUV, transportion won’t be a problem). At the airport we quickly load up and “commandeer” a Boeing 747 (the cargo variant naturally). This is when Stephen’s thousands of hours in Flight Simulator X for the PC comes in handy. Next stop, Russia.
Our course will be set for Murmansk, Russia, home of the Russian Northern Fleet. In Russia we will have waiting a Typhoon-class nuclear missile submarine, the largest in the world, courtesy of the Cold War era Soviet Union. Also awaiting our triumphant arrival is a crew of veteran Russian submariners. Don’t worry, we will know how to speak Russian by then. A 14 hour flight leaves plenty of time for Rosetta Stone. And because morale is key, we made sure to have a Morgan Freeman-voiced copy. The next step is the last: descend into the depths of the oceans and rule as kings of the deep. From there on till the end of our lives, we shall live like Captain Nemo in “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea,” living off the ocean’s bounty and surfacing only to make contact with the other lucky survivors, if any are lucky enough to have survived. Remember of course that we have 200 warheads at our disposal, just in case a whale or zombie warlord gets too ornery. And to live a life of adventure, we’ll be searching the seven seas for Atlantis and other lost cities like Bikini Bottom.
You might be confused as to why we would reveal our plan. Recently it has come to our attention that we could use some extra people on board to help with various tasks around the sub. So we are offering space for ten others in our bunker, and five aboard our vessel.We’ve calculated that five will die in the process. So who wants to (attempt to) survive the apocalypse? Trust us on this, it’s going to happen. We hope.