By Viviam Liao
Graduating Newsletter Editor
PHOTO/ Allison Lu
“The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.” Isaiah 58:11
When filling out an application, this question always comes up: “What are the best qualities about yourself?” Before, I would always get stuck, struggling to find even one good thing about myself, and in the process listed a billion things I hated.
Loving myself didn’t come easy, so instead of putting myself as a priority, I put others first. Soon enough, I burnt myself out caring too much for others and not enough for myself. Every single time I crashed, I fell into a cycle of self-loathing: I’m not good enough. Useless. Worthless. Why can’t you be stronger? It took years for me to break free from the ocean of depression I was drowning in.
I didn’t enjoy my sophomore and junior years. I guess it was a combination of depression and loneliness that made the academic pressure too much to bear. What should’ve been the most fun years of high school became a nightmare for me. My grades dropped and I can’t even remember anything remotely fun during those couple of years. I remember hating myself so intensely that I dreamt about scenarios and alternate worlds where I was a different person or didn’t exist. I usually woke up from those “dreams” crying.
I spent my senior year dragging myself away from depressing thoughts, sometimes successful, other times not. The recovery journey from depression is arduous and painful. Sometimes, I found guilty comfort wallowing in my self-deprecating thoughts even though I should’ve been trying to stop. I encourage those who find themselves stuck in this tortuous cycle to talk to a trusted person and make the loneliness slightly easier to bear. Even with friends and family around me, I felt so painfully alone, and I wouldn’t wish anyone to suffer though that.
I went through a multitude of methods: therapy, mental health breaks and talking with my parents. What worked for me was standing up for myself and speaking out when I was uncomfortable. Instead of bottling my emotions up until I overflowed, I expressed them. When I’m stressed, I’ll tell my family to leave me alone and give me some space, letting myself have some much needed me time.
Slowly the burden of worrying about others lifted from my heart, allowing my heart to beat for myself and letting me live for myself. I didn’t realize I chained myself to the satisfaction of others, but releasing myself from this vicious cycle helped me rekindle the love I lost for myself, which opened my eyes to see how others loved me.
When I fall back into that cycle of suffocating thoughts and depression habits, I often refer to my favorite Bible verse: “We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19. This verse never fails to make me cry from the fact that someone would always love me, even if I didn’t love myself.
To those who don’t know, you are amazing, no matter what others think. You are good enough, worth everything and most importantly, loved. Give the same amount of time to yourself that you dedicate to your friends, family and extracurriculars. You are the main character of your story, treat yourself like one.