By Sofie Chan
Graduating Cover Editor
It’s no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy.
I blame most of my personality on my inability to resist a pop-punk anthem with angsty lyrics. After all, “My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit is about waking up from a self-destructive streak and realizing that you’ve become unrecognizable as your literal own archenemy.
I couldn’t begin to count the opportunities I’ve missed because of insecurity. I jokingly refer to myself as a “chicken coward,” a phrase I’ve coined to emphasize the sheer feebleness of my mental fortitude. I am hyper-sensitive to rejection, paranoid that people are watching my every move and susceptible to my inner control freak—making myself my own worst enemy. Surprise!
Despite this being the origin behind my crippling social anxiety, I would say that my high school network is fairly big. Still, I felt like a comic character living the double life. There must be a reason why I always feel hollow inside, like I’m an onion that only has the first few layers.
I will admit that I tweak aspects of myself to suit the expectations of different circles. My public persona sees me step into my SNL persona, where I make jokes to seek validation. Conversely, my private life relies on being subdued and not drawing too much attention to myself so I seem like the typical good, well-behaved Asian cousin.
Yes, I’ve confronted my fear of rejection by pursuing the perfect image—but by doing so, I inadvertently misplaced my own core. I peel back each layer differently depending on the situation, curating my image to complement the environment.
Weirdly, I don’t feel all too sad about not knowing what I am without the context of who I’m with—I’m just rather contemplative instead.
I know that deep insecurity isn’t something that I can compensate for with a social life.
However, two truths can be held at the same time.
My obsession with control stems from my insecurity, but changing the way I speak, hold myself and communicate differently across the board might just speak to my ability to adapt and recognize others’ positive traits, which are qualities I want in myself. I took on my dad’s wit, my mom’s good judgement, my BFF Kaylee’s receptiveness, KPDT’s dedication and Rampage’s strong sense of justice.
Self-acceptance is easy and straightforward on paper—just love yourself! But does that really mean that the acceptance of my many circles isn’t necessary? Like an onion, validation is complex and has layers. As long as I am in the moment, I have purpose and the space to continue learning what defines me—this time with company I enjoy.