There is a threat facing America, one so insidious it has seeped into every corner of our society. It lurks in the shadows, passing itself off as an innocent piece of technology. It is slowly leeching the strength away from us while promising marvelous new technology. I am of course talking about eBooks.
Hear me out on this, because my argument isn’t just scribbles on napkins with triangles and the word ‘Illuminati’ scrawled across it. No, eBooks are quite possibly the greatest threat to America since NASA and the CIA orchestrated JFK’s assassination. These eBooks are at their core, an evil piece of technology, designed to weaken our youth and lull us into a false sense of security. One only has to think about what we are losing to eBooks.
Before eBooks became commonplace, students would have to lug heavy books around. While that may not have had a major impact 20 years ago, today, with schools cutting physical education left and right often the only meaningful exercise a student will get is carrying books to and from classes. Without traditional books, students will no longer be able to keep up with other nations when it comes to lifting precariously perched heavy objects. The only solution is to eliminate eBooks and make existing books even heavier.
The health risks associated with eBooks don’t stop with strength conditioning. People are now able to read eBooks on their phones, which can lead to eye strain stemming from the small screens. Some studies have even shown that backlit screens can disrupt a person’s sleep cycles.
With the debate over gun control raging, citizens across the country are worrying about home defense. I’m here to tell you that the greatest threat to home defense isn’t the government taking your guns away, but Amazon taking your books away. Think about it, if a burglar breaks into your house at night, what good will throwing your Kindle do? He’d probably laugh. However, hit him over the head with the unabridged version of “Gray’s Anatomy” and he’ll be wishing he knew what force is required to knock a human out. Let’s say though that he or she was able to dodge your attempted bludgeoning, and he pulls his gun up to shoot. Too bad though because you were smart enough to create your own Merriam-Webster’s dictionary armor. Creating sufficient body armor out of iPads is prohibitively expensive.
For all these reasons and more I ask of you, my fellow Americans, to throw off the chains of oppression and rise up against this surprisingly light and reasonably priced menace. If not for the sake of yourself, then for the sake of our country.