Karina Pan
Editor-in-Chief
As someone who loves to plan ahead and control my own life, the endless stream of bad news throughout 2020 was devastating— from COVID-19 to explosions to political unrest. I felt powerless as I watched the world spiral out of control, and my mental health suffered.
It started off subtly for me in April, like black goop oozing through the cracks of my once-firm frame. However, because I didn’t understand these changes, I ignored the signs.
Unsurprisingly, as I neglected my mental health, it got worse and worse—eventually leading to a depressive episode plagued with suicidal thoughts. By early June, the pain scratched and tore at my soul, sometimes even manifesting itself in a constant physical ache.
Recovery was difficult. From summer to early fall, it took a lot of therapy, patience and self control to feel somewhat normal again. However, I learned how to evaluate my own mental health and respond appropriately to it.
It definitely took a while for me to understand the symptoms of my declining mental health. A lot of trial and error took place, and mini-relapses during fall and winter weren’t rare. With direction from my therapist and parents, I learned to pay attention to signs that my mental health was getting worse. Personally, I looked for prolonged lack of motivation, apathy towards myself and my circumstances, unconscious distancing from my loved ones and a spike in irritability.
Once I noticed myself displaying these symptoms, I focused on what made me feel happy and free and strayed away from activities that led to anger and depression.
When I feel myself slipping, I remind myself to cope in healthier ways: reaching out to my friends, taking a walk outside or simply cleaning my room. What helps me most is shifting my mindset, and music— especially playing my guitar— always works.
This is what growth means to me. Although 2020 was an awful year, I’m proud of myself for learning to understand and address my mental health. I encourage you to pursue this growth too. It’s probably going to take time to figure out how to take care of yourself, but I promise that it’s worth it.
If you or your loved one is having thoughts about suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Don’t be afraid to reach out for professional mental health support. Please remember that your emotions are completely valid and that there is always someone that cares about you.